I’m not sure I could pinpoint it exactly, this feeling of
being surrounded by people and being utterly alone. It’s strange. Like no
matter how many friends I have and how lovely and amazing they are and no
matter how much I know deep down that they actually think I’m lovely too, I
can’t shake the feeling that I am just completely unlikeable. I can’t even
fathom why given the choice anyone would want to spend their time in my
company.
And I guarantee you I’m not saying this to get a bunch of “but you
know I like you”’s and “you’re amazing”’s. It really has nothing to do with my
searching for compliments. I just
genuinely feel unfit to be around people. I feel like sadness leaks right off
of my skin and sticks to others, until before they know it, they’re sad too. I
know reasonably that this is not the case. I can tell myself all the pretty
words, and I can smile and laugh along. And you can tell me I’m funny and I can
tell you you’re great to be around. I can play along. But really I’m anxious
that you’re judging me, thinking “why is this girl talking to me?” Wondering if
you’re thinking I’m weird and awkward, thinking that I’m a flake, because I
make all these big plans to go out and then I get home and I can breathe, and I
didn’t even realize I was holding my breath in the first place.
And I am uncomfortable being alone, because I wonder if I am
alone because I’m unbearable to be around. But then when I’m around people, I
am generally wondering the same thing. So really this is the reason why I can
feel alone in a room full of people. And you can call me weak, and say that it’s
all in my head and just to get over it, and I would say, oh I would if I could.
Because being lonely is getting so old.
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